The Almighty Pterodactyl

Writing Prompt: God is a dinosaur and created life in his image. After such a tiring event he slept. Upon awakening, he manifested as a giant corporeal head in the sky to announce his return; “I HAVE RETURNED MY CHILDR-WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS?!”

“I HAVE RETURNED MY CHILDR-WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS?!” God, the Great Pterodactyl in the Sky, was surveying his beautiful creation. A creation that had, quite frankly, been ruined.

“WHERE ARE MY RAPTORS? MY DIPLODOCUS? AND WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THEIR ALMIGHTY WHERE IN THE HEAVENS MY SON HAS GOTTEN TO?”

Down below confusion erupted to choas. Every news station known to man (those pesky little creatures that had infested the Great Pterodactyl in the Sky’s paradise world) was reporting on the apparition of a giant bird’s head that now lingered in the clouds. It was said to be squawking and hollering something maddening at the people below.

“NOW LISTEN HERE, STOP DOING THAT!” the Great Pterodactyl roared, “I MUST SAY YOU’RE MAKING ME RATHER ANGRY! WHERE DID ALL MY LOVELY TREES GO? AND WHAT ON MY CREATION ARE THOSE INFERNAL BRICK BUILDINGS DOING EVERYWHERE? OH MY… LOOK… JUST LOOK! YOU’VE SIMPLY RUINED THE SKY WITH ALL THESE UNSIGHTLY GLASS TOWERS.” at that moment a flock of innocent birds soared into the side of one such glass tower. SPLAT.The Great Pterodactyl was far from pleased.

By this time each and every street within Manhattan was swarming with riot police, soldiers hot on their tails. Helicopters lurked beside legions of fighter jets who were gathering round the big bird’s head in the clouds. There were tanks, too, that aimed fruitlessly for the skies, firing without any hope of ever reaching their divine target.

“NOW THAT’S NOT VERY NICE, IS IT? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? LISTEN HERE, IF YOU DON’T STOP THIS MADNESS I MIGHT JUST DECIDE TO SEND A FLOOD AND DROWN YOU ALL. I CAN DO THAT, YOU SHOULD KNOW!”

Somewhere in Chicago an elderly lady’s thorn bush was set randomly ablaze and started sighing.

It didn’t seem to matter what the Great Pterodactyl said, it was lost in translation, the word of God distorted by the human ears that sought it, made to sound like the piercing screech of a avian menace. It seemed, to the humans at least, that there was only one solution…

Well, could we really expect the primitive humans to consider multiple options? That task seemed more befitting to the Plateosaurus, who were the known scholars of the world. You could tell a Plateosaurus from the pointy hats that they wore.

…and that solution was nuclear.

The White House was preparing to press a pretty BIG red button, and this made the Great Pterodactyl very, very angry indeed.

“DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO CREATE THIS PARADISE? YOU UNGRATEFUL SWINES! GRANTED, IT MIGHT LOOK A LITTLE WORSE FOR WEAR NOW… BUT THAT’S HARDLY MY FAULT!”

Searching the vast lands and muddied seas the Great Pterodactyl noticed there was an island separated from the rest of humanity. The island was known as a Park, and… “JESUS?” the Great Pterodactyl crowed, “OH SWEET HEAVENS. THEY’VE CAGED MY RAPTORS! MY DIPLODOCUS! MY BRONTOSAURUS!” again the bird-God cried, “JESUS!” its voice rising above mountains, shaking loose many an avalanche in its wake, “YOU MARCH YOUR HALF-MORTAL-LIZARD DERRIERE OUT HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!”

The seas began to shake with the force of a thousand earthly quakes as tsunami waves were torn up and over the industrialised lands of the bird-God’s once beautiful planet. There was mass panic, explosions, hurrying soldiers hounding down the beaches. It was a rather terrible mess. Then out of the deep, tail first, rose the most gargantuan of all the ancient reptilian horde. God’s-Killer, Jesus, the divine Titanosaurus.

Jesus roamed around on four glass tower sized legs, with a body as wide as a quite wide pond and a neck as long as a giraffe’s. His head was disproportionately over-sized compared to the rest of his rather freakish form.

“WHAT?” the Great Pterodactyl squawked defensively at the humans, “WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES, MORE SO THE FIRST TIME AROUND. I PERFECTED MY DESIGN BY THE TIME I CREATED THE RAPTORS… AND YOU B*STARDS LOCKED THEM UP!” the Pterodactyl reared its gaze upon its son, “AS FOR YOU, JESUS CHRIST… YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WATCH OVER THE EARTH WHILST I WAS SLEEPING. WHAT A MESS YOU’VE MADE!”

Jesus gave a pitiful, preteen squeak of a roar, “It’s not my fault you overslept. I got bored…”

“JESUS, WHAT DID YOU DO?”

“Nothing…” Jesus was a pretty awful liar, “Oh, alright. I might have colonised Mars… and Jupiter… and maybe Saturn, too…”

“JESUS! AND WHY ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT?”

Jesus gave a shrug of his four enormous shoulders, “Seemed like a good idea at the time. Turns out it wasn’t. Did you know dinosaurs don’t survive all that well on other planets. Earth is kind of special.”

“KIND OF SPECIAL!? YES, JESUS, IT IS KIND OF SPECIAL… I SPENT SEVERAL CENTURIES PERFECTING THE ATMOSPHERE SO THAT MY DIVINE CREATION COULD FOSTER LIFE. AND THEN YOU JUST DECIDED TO MOVE MY SONS AND DAUGHTERS OFF OF EARTH AND ONTO…”

“Mars, we tried Mars first.”

“THEY’RE DEAD, AREN’T THEY JESUS?”

“Noooo…?”

“YOU DO REALISE YOUR FATHER IS ALL SEEING, DON’T YOU?”

Jesus cursed under his breath, “Am I in trouble?”

The God-bird sighed, “NO, I SUPPOSE I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS WOULD HAPPEN. NOW, CLEAN UP THIS DAMN MESS!”

“But dadddd, I don’t want to.”

“ENOUGH! DO AS YOU’RE TOLD.” the Great Pterodactyl disappeared from the sky in a puff of smoke, and Jesus reluctantly went about devouring the humans and freeing those dinosaurs that had been enslaved.

When Jesus had finally finished cleaning, the Raptors turned on him (by will of the God-bird) and killed him too, feasting on his remains for the next forty days and forty nights. Not to worry though, Jesus did rise again, but only after each and every piece of his mortal being was digested and… well, you know the rest.

Copyright © K R Perry 2019

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